angrywomenoftumblr:

feministische:

No means no, even when they’re toddlers

A few people have alerted me to this video of toddlers and you can watch as a little boy hugs a little girl multiple times and each time he does, she pushes him away. A few of the times, he seems to be prompted to continue by the person with the camera. It’s a full two minutes and nothing changes – he hugs her, she pushes him away, he gets up and hugs her again and she pushes him away again.

Clearly this isn’t street harassment because they know each other and it isn’t sexual harassment because they’re toddlers and don’t have an understanding of all that, but it is a problematic situation in which adults are standing by and letting (encouraging?) this little boy to do something the girl doesn’t want him to do and then instead of helping her use her words to tell him to stop, they’re letting her push him down over and over.

The Good Men Project linked to the video via the How to Be a Dad’s site, where the author labels the post “My Life with Women” and writes, “This one symbolizes every attempt I’ve ever made at relationships with the fairer sex… …. …. until my wife.”

The he writes, “I could be the misogynist here and make some comments about just how badly the lady little treats this fine, young man, but women are pretty great. Maybe this kid needs to get a job, buy a sweet ride (Power Wheels, perhaps?) and learn some Karate, proving himself a worthy love interest?”

And I find that very problematic. Implying that this little toddler and all women who reject men are stuck-up, bitchy, and only after good-looking or rich men is harmful. Instead of looking at the actions and saying, this girl doesn’t want to be hugged, they are focusing on the poor boy and how mean she is. She may have 10 reasons or only 1 for why she doesn’t want to be hugged by him and all of them are valid and should be respected.

No means no, even when you’re a toddler. Especially when you’re a toddler. Fifteen percent of sexual assault and abuse victims are under age 12. Teaching kids how to protect themselves at a very young age is crucial to helping them know how to prevent or get help if they are victimized and can teach them skills they can use all of their life.

This attitude that women owe men attention no matter what contributes to how, when some men are ignored or rejected by the women they harass on the street, they call them a bitch, a ho, throw trash at them, chase them, or tell them they were ugly anyway. Instead of thinking logically about all the reasons why a woman may not respond positively to a man who hollers at her on the street, men feel it is an affront on their masculinity and lash out.

Another problematic aspect of the video is the number of people who applauded how persistent the kid is. Some people in the comments of posts talked about being disappointed he never got her in the end. Guess what, you don’t always “get the girl” in the end. No means no! 1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the U.S. We need to teach kids, especially boys because they are the bulk of the stalkers, not to follow or keep hugging etc women and girls who clearly don’t want that attention.

So those are my thoughts on the video, what are yours?

source: http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/2012/05/toddlers/

Thank you. I was trying to say this a few weeks ago when that set of gifs came across my dash and some anon was like, “Blah blah, not everybody in this world is shitty,” completely missing the point. This articulates it so well. 

thefremen:

angrywomenoftumblr:

But I’m very serious about the dynamic that’s taking place between those children. I don’t see any adults pushing the little boy, “Go back over to her, aww, give her a hug.” His behavior isn’t malicious, and it isn’t being encouraged by adults. It is autonomous. He doesn’t appear to be trying to hurt or scare her. But the little girl clearly doesn’t want him in her space. Whatever her toddler reasons may be (and in fact, she might not have any reasons at all. Later on, she might want him in her space), but there’s a behavioral pattern going on here. The pattern is, “I want to touch you because, and you don’t want it, but I’m going to keep doing that, even if you don’t like it.” I’m not saying that either of them are thinking those thoughts, because they’re much too young to have that kind of cognitive complexity. But in a few months, this might happen again, and our society will probably tell the little girl, “Aww, don’t be so mean. He just wants to give you a hug.” And/or they might tell the little boy, “Aww, you’re just trying to give her a hug, maybe just keep trying, so she understands that you like her.” But do you see how even in these simple interactions, very much innocent, we allow the development of behaviors that will later be problematic? Her behaviors will be shaped to please and share her personal space, while his will be shaped to be persistent in order to get what he wants, even if what he wants does not want to be wanted. 

Precisely, with regards to the bold. 

friendlyangryfeminist:

There is general agreement that once a man is in the friend zone, that it is difficult to get out. A platonic relationship has formed without sex and can continue indefinitely.

The horror! 

Accordingly, dating advisers and coaches have suggested that one should never get in the friend zone to begin with. Several advisers urged men, during the initial dates, to touch women physically in appropriate places such as elbows or shoulders as a means of increasing the sexual tension.

Yeah, man, just touch women without their permission because damn they owe you sex.

This should have more notes. Why does a wikipedia article have that on there? Why is it actually legitimizing the friend zone and touching women without their consent? How about we make a healthy and mature decision that she’s just not that into you? Kay? O.o

rapeculturerealities:

wtfniceguys:

dappertomcat:

If you’re a “nice guy”…

xvxavier:

tegatime:

xvxavier:

If you’re a “nice guy” to a girl up until you realize she doesn’t want to date you, then go on about how she’s a cold shrew that friendzoned you and how no girls date nice guys, like, nah mate, girls do date nice guys. You just aren’t a nice guy. You’re a passive aggressive beta with internalized misogyny and a serious victim complex.

OH REALLY? Well, you’re obviously a girl who was on the receiving end of showers of gifts and kindness. Me? I was the one showering a girl with love and kindness. You didn’t put in the work, and invest your heart and soul into someone only to have it crushed and destroyed. You were the destroyer. You took it all an you took it for granted. Well guess what? The reason guys like me do all we do for you is because we genuinely like heartbreakers like you, so we put all of our time and effort into making you feel the same way. We wake up in the morning wondering what we can do to make you feel the same as we do,and how we can make you just as happy with us as we are with you. And then, you turn around and say “I just want to be friends”. Well here’s the deal: we don’t. If we just wanted a friend, you would have been treated like a friend, and not like a girlfriend. We treat you the way we want to be treated, we want to be your significant other so we treat you as ours. But, how do girls like you return our love and devotion? The heart crushing FRIEND ZONE! Obviously, we did what we did because you are single, and want to fill that gap, well in choosing not to date us, you’re saying that we aren’t good enough, that compared to NO ONE, we are inferior. You’re telling us that with all we do for you, we are less than NOTHING. Does any guy in his right mind really want to be in a friendship with a girl who thinks that he is less than nothing? No, they don’t. And that’s why we go on about how you’re a heartless demon who sucks the joy out of our lives with the terrible friend zone, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE. And we go on to say that girls don’t like nice guys BECAUSE THEY DON’T. All you want is a hot guy. If you really dated nice guys, you wouldn’t go after and like the fucking douchebags that you do. If anyone is misogynist, it’s those assholes that you chase after because they’re hot. So don’t you dare say that we are in the wrong, we are not the bad guys, we are the good guys who provide all the gifts, who try to be the knight in shining armor. You know who you are? The cold, miserable bitch who turns him away and says, “no thanks, but i’m waiting for a better knight to rescue me from my tower. Until then you can ride around the base and give me stuff! Yay for friendship”. NO. You’re wrong. You are at fault for whatever response it is that you don’t like, because you created it. I hope you stay single forever becuse you probably have no idea what you have till it’s long gone and pissed off.

______________________________________________________________

Let’s chat.

OH REALLY?

YA REALLY.

Well, you’re obviously a girl who was on the receiving end of showers of gifts and kindness.

Well there’s your first mistake.

Me? I was the one showering a girl with love and kindness.

And there’s your second.

You didn’t put in the work, and invest your heart and soul into someone only to have it crushed and destroyed. 

Well you’re 100% right about that, I’ve never felt the need to shower girls that had no romantic interest in me with romantic favours. How is that a good idea?

You were the destroyer. You took it all an you took it for granted. 

Once again, quite wrong. But this brings up an interesting little personality trait you have: without knowing anything about me, not even my sex or gender identity, you already started attacking my perceived identity as a woman and began applying your own remarkably incorrect judgements. If you fly off the handle with misogynistic accusations and personal attacks at someone that you don’t even have the slightest bit of information about I feel somewhat afraid for every woman you pass on the street and the assumptions you cast on them that have spawned undoubtedly from your psychosis.

Well guess what? The reason guys like me do all we do for you is because we genuinely like heartbreakers like you, so we put all of our time and effort into making you feel the same way.

This is so fucking creepy. Who “made” you like the girls you obsess over? Where you somehow coerced into “loving” them or did it just happen naturally? Do you really think you can “make” someone romantically interested in you if they aren’t? There’s a little thing called consent, and it doesn’t just apply to sex. If a girl isn’t consenting to your advances you back the fuck off. She isn’t interested. Not because you’re “too nice” (but maybe because you’re a fucking creep) but because she doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about her and guess what that’s just how life is sometimes.

We wake up in the morning wondering what we can do to make you feel the same as we do,and how we can make you just as happy with us as we are with you. 

See above. If a girl you were really uninterested in (unlikely considering your level of desperation) but I mean you REALLY didn’t like her just showered you with attention would that actually make you fall madly in love with her?

And then, you turn around and say “I just want to be friends”. Well here’s the deal: we don’t.

Woah there. You want to date someone but you don’t want to be friends with them? That’s fucked up. I mean, they can be your fuckbuddy (once again unlikely as they clearly hate you) but you can’t have that healthy of a relationship with someone you don’t want as a friend. My partner is my best friend. Every day I talk to her and she lights up my motherfucking world. You don’t want a girlfriend. You hate women. You hate women and they scare you and you want to fuck them and own them so they can’t hurt your wittle feelings anymore. Grow the fuck up. Fuck you and everyone like you you misogynistic scum.

If we just wanted a friend, you would have been treated like a friend, and not like a girlfriend. 

See above. Also, fuck you.

We treat you the way we want to be treated, we want to be your significant other so we treat you as ours.

Now this is extremely creepy. Notice the very rapist-like train of thought. You cannot force yourself onto others. If they do not want you they do not want you.

But, how do girls like you return our love and devotion? The heart crushing FRIEND ZONE! 

So what you’re saying is, basically, you think because you’re some super obsessive really creepy really misogynistic guy that throws candy and flowers at them that they owe you something in return? They aren’t asking you for this*. This is your choice. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

*Even if they did ask you to throw candy and flowers at them they still don’t own you anything. Accept maybe money back for the flowers. Absolutely nothing fucking else.

Obviously, we did what we did because you are single, and want to fill that gap, well in choosing not to date us, you’re saying that we aren’t good enough, that compared to NO ONE, we are inferior.

Nope, nope, nopity-nope. Women are -check this- human beings. They like to have friends in their lives and they simply made the unfortunate mistake of thinking you were one. You are not their friend. She does not have to date you just because you watch movies together. She just thought you were cool and could hang out. By the way, compared to a decent human being you are inferior and if you haven’t figured out why yet I strongly advise you start reading this again.

You’re telling us that with all we do for you, we are less than NOTHING.

You’re the one that only does “nice” things because he wants a reward. From what I’ve read the nicest thing you’ve done is not raped anyone. It’s like you’re asking for a fucking award for not raping them.

Does any guy in his right mind really want to be in a friendship with a girl who thinks that he is less than nothing? No, they don’t. And that’s why we go on about how you’re a heartless demon who sucks the joy out of our lives with the terrible friend zone, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE. 

Protip: people generally don’t date people that refer to them as “The heartless demon who will suck the joy out of their life with the terrible friend zone” it really isn’t seen as great behavioural subtext in a possible partner.

And we go on to say that girls don’t like nice guys BECAUSE THEY DON’T.

Funny, I’ve never had any problems finding a partner. And a lot of my friends are dating the absolute best dudes. I’ve become friends with really great guys through them. So, no. You’re dead wrong. Also, you aren’t a nice guy at all. You’re a “nice guy.” Oh yeah also I have a lot of friends that are women but guess what I am actually their friend.

All you want is a hot guy. If you really dated nice guys, you wouldn’t go after and like the fucking douchebags that you do.

It’s funny because you keep saying “you” which means that these are all directed at me. It makes reading things like this really funny.

If anyone is misogynist, it’s those assholes that you chase after because they’re hot.

Hmm, nope. Still you. Trust me.

So don’t you dare say that we are in the wrong, we are not the bad guys, we are the good guys who provide all the gifts, who try to be the knight in shining armor.

You think really highly of yourself. Every single thing you’ve ever done for a woman was motivated by your desire to fuck her. Not because she was nice. Not because you like her as a human being. Not because you wanted to make her happy. Not even because she was pretty. But because you think of women as objects and because you think you can buy them. No. Fuck no. Getting a woman a gift does not mean she should have sex with you. You are incredibly delusional if you think your creepy advances make you a knight of any order.

You know who you are? The cold, miserable bitch who turns him away and says, “no thanks, but i’m waiting for a better knight to rescue me from my tower. Until then you can ride around the base and give me stuff! Yay for friendship”.

I was waiting for you to pull the bitch card. That’s at the top of the “nice guy” deck. Now let me translate your idiocy into something a bit closer to what’s actually happening: “No thanks, I’m not interested in you like that. I would rather have you as a friend. I’m not desperate for romance and I’ll wait until someone I’m attracted to comes along for me to date them. Oh, you bought me Supernatural on blu-ray? Thank you that’s so sweet! You’re such a thoughtful friend I never ask you for anything but you’re always getting me things!”

NO. You’re wrong. You are at fault for whatever response it is that you don’t like, because you created it.

I’m sorry but I couldn’t even make heads or tails of this. What are you talking about?

I hope you stay single forever becuse you probably have no idea what you have till it’s long gone and pissed off.

OH NO WHATEVER SHALL ONE DO WITHOUT A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ASSHOLE THAT HARBOURS PROFOUND RESENTMENT FOR US IN OUR LIVES? Hahaha. NO. Cry more.

UUGHHH

THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL yesyesyesyessssss allll of thiiiisssss

thanks to this xvxavier for that awesome commentary.  keep preachin!

Speechless at xvxavier’s awesomeness and Epic Getting It.

lavender-labia:

cuddlingisoptional:

“Rape Culture” on Tumblr

So yesterday I reblogged a photo of a guy with a sign of himself and his ex girlfriend. He made an announcement on a train:

“Good morning New York. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m not hungry. I do not want food or money, I just need a little support. I got dumped last week and I’m trying to give her space but I can’t do nothing. If you have any words of advice for me, a quote that resonates with you or a story about second chances, please raise your hand and I’ll come to you. I have sharpie markers and I’ll stay as long as it takes.”

I reblogged with this comment:

I normally do not reblog this kind of shit, but for any dude that has ever been dumped, still in love and desperately tried to win her heart back, no matter the circumstance…this is legit shit. And do not give me that bullshit “dude, if she dumped you she obviously doesnt want to be with you, just get over it, you pathetic asshole”…First of all, fuck you. Second of all, fuck you.

This is one of many comments I received:

“Your comments are the epitome of rape culture and everything that is wrong with concept of friend-zoning. Fuck you. Like actually fuck you, you entitled piece of shit. Women owe you NOTHING. Women do know what they want, and if they dump you it IS because they don’t want to be with you. Stop perpetuating the sexist assumption that women don’t know their own mind. No means no, and any other interpretation is rape culture at work. You and your commentary can actually fuck off. 

So lets examine what rape culture is by definition:

Rape culture is a term or concept used to describe a culture in which rape and sexual violence are common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media normalize, excuse, tolerate, or even condone sexual violence. Examples of behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, sexual objectification, and trivializing rape.

She later goes on to add in this:

Reblogging to add: behaviours like this become even more terrifying when you consider that the riskiest time in a woman’s life is when she breaks up with a male partner (in that she is significantly more likely to be murdered than at any other point in her life). Too often that partner perceives the break up as a challenge to their authority/masculinity and take drastic action to either a) get them back or b) stop anyone else from having them either. That - in addition to the rapey/entitled undertones - is what makes this dude’s actions so fucking terrifying. 

So my comments about making a romantic gesture when you are desperately trying to win back her heart is either sexual objectification, victim blaming and or trivializing rape? That is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?

You are calling his statements “rapey and entitled undertones”. You are an insane extremist is what you are ma’am and I will invite you to fuck off go take a nap or something. (I don’t want “Fuck off” being twisted into a rapey undertone, so I am just asking you to go take a nap. By yourself.)

What makes matters worse is the fact that everyone sees the term “rape culture” and jumps on the bandwagon. “You are sick, you are pathetic and you deserve to be raped yourself”…really? Isnt that a BIT extreme? I never once mentioned forcing myself into a girl’s life, I never said anything about following her around and being creepy. I said a romantic gesture. Sending her flowers, writing her a note, an apology letter, sitting down and trying to talk things out. None of which has a goddamn thing to do with rape. You oversensitive, extremist assholes.

To make matters even worse she tagged her comments with the following:

Spousal homicide, murder, criminology, misogyny, sexism, no means no. Are you fucking kidding me?

I think the key thing you’re missing here is that rape and sexual violence operates on a spectrum. Often abusive people start out by obsessing about you, by undermining your ability to say no, but making you out to be the bad person and by trying to manipulate the situation for their own benefit. The guy holding the sign did all of these things. These things are RED FLAGS. These things are rape culture in action because they legitimise abusive behaviours on one end of the spectrum and, therefore, make the other end of the spectrum easier to progress to. These things are based on the assumption that women can’t say no, that when they say no they don’t mean it. They are based on the assumption that women are property. They are based on the assumption that men are sexually entitled to a women if they really-truly-wooly-wuv her. Those beliefs perpetuate and underpin rape culture. Rape culture doesn’t mean he’s raping her. It doesn’t even mean he wants to rape her. You’re missing a vital nuance here. 

And I tagged the post with those things because that’s what I was talking about…those topics were covered in my commentary. Tags are intended to reflect the content of a post. Never once did I say he was murdering or raping her. You really don’t understand my post if you think that. 

Your comments: 

What makes matters worse is the fact that everyone sees the term “rape culture” and jumps on the bandwagon. “You are sick, you are pathetic and you deserve to be raped yourself”…really? Isnt that a BIT extreme? I never once mentioned forcing myself into a girl’s life, I never said anything about following her around and being creepy. I said a romantic gesture. Sending her flowers, writing her a note, an apology letter, sitting down and trying to talk things out. None of which has a goddamn thing to do with rape. You oversensitive, extremist assholes.

Anyone who jumps on that bandwagon of threatening you with rape is wrong and horrible. Like I said in the response to your ask, not once did I say you or the sign guy were a rapist. But you both clearly perpetuate rape-culture with your beliefs and comments about what “romance” is. 

“I never said anything about following her around and being creepy.”

Um, I don’t know what planet you’re on, but wearing a sandwich board with someone’s face on it and going around the subway declaring that you need this woman and you will do anything to get her back - he even admitted she asked for space, but he couldn’t give it to her - THAT IS MOTHERFUCKING CREEPY. That is behaviour that should not be encouraged or given legitimacy. That behaviour is rape culture in action. 

“Sending her flowers, writing her a note, an apology letter, sitting down and trying to talk things out. None of which has a goddamn thing to do with rape. You oversensitive, extremist assholes.”

Yeah, but he’s not doing those things. The problematic thing he’s doing is invading her space and not respecting her wish that she doesn’t want to be with him. 

Hopefully this clarification helps you understand where I was coming from. 

thefremen:

hollyandmax:

fsufeminist:

dresdenlowe:

lavender-labia:

“Good morning New York. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m not hungry. I do not want food or money, I just need a little support. I got dumped last week and I’m trying to give her space but I can’t do nothing. If you have any words of advice for me, a quote that resonates with you or a story about second chances, please raise your hand and I’ll come to you. I have sharpie markers and I’ll stay as long as it takes.”

cuddlingisoptional:

I normally do not reblog this kind of shit, but for any dude that has ever been dumped, still in love and desperately tried to win her heart back, no matter the circumstance…this is legit shit. And do not give me that bullshit “dude, if she dumped you she obviously doesnt want to be with you, just get over it, you pathetic asshole”…First of all, fuck you. Second of all, fuck you.

Your comments are the epitome of rape culture and everything that is wrong with concept of friend-zoning. Fuck you. Like actually fuck you, you entitled piece of shit. Women owe you NOTHING. Women do know what they want, and if they dump you it IS because they don’t want to be with you. Stop perpetuating the sexist assumption that women don’t know their own mind. No means no, and any other interpretation is rape culture at work. You and your commentary can actually fuck off. 

As for the OP: I’m speechless. “I’m trying to give her space, but I’m walking around with her face on a sandwich board and I’m convincing everyone that she’s the horrible person here and I’m so unfairly victimised.” Cool story, bro. Tell me more about how you’re irresistible and why everyone should want to be with you.

I don’t want to live in a tumblr with out Lavender-Labia. (Unless she doesn’t want to… then that’s cool too. My point is, this is fucking awesome and on the point).

WHAT THE FUCK

fucking creepy as fuck.

Creepy ass shit. 

Dat Lavender Labia commentary.

eyesfullofketchup:

I get so very disheartened when I see women posting things like this :(

FUCK YOU I don’t owe you access to my pussy because you spent money to come visit me

FUCK YOU if you wanna fuck me you could just ASK and I’d be more likely to say yes than if you acted like you were entitled to it like this

FUCK YOU if you don’t value spending time just hanging out with me, if spending time with me is worthless unless I touch your wiener, then I don’t think we should be friends

Lovin that commentary.

scar-lip:

notforyoutobreak:

karnythia:

todiedreaming:

karnythia:

sourcedumal:

stfuconservatives:

blackyouthz:

stfuconservatives:

thisisyouroriginality submitted:

It’s basically this.

_________________________________________

If you agree or identify with this comic in any way shape or form then you need to seriously rethink the way you interact with people.

-Joe

I don’t agree with everything is this comic, but you are basically saying “well be an asshole. It works. *Smiling and giving a thumbs up*

Excuse me, EXCUSE ME. Where in the fuck did I say anything that is anywhere near “well be an asshole. It works?” I have no idea how you got that out of everything I’ve posted on this today.

Also you say that you don’t agree with everything, which would mean that you agree with parts of it. There is no part of this comic that is acceptable behavior in any way, the character is extremely co-dependent, narcissistic, and manipulative. Whichever part made you say “yeah!” is something you need to stop doing.

-Joe

This entire comic REEKS of the “Nice Guy” syndrome, because apparently, being nice to a woman entitles a man to a relationship with her. And of course, because she isn’t dating said “nice guy” all other men who ain’t him MUST be assholes! Because that’s the ONLY reason why she isn’t giving up the pussy to him!!

I. Just. CAN’T.

I am always amused that Nice Guys think they respect women, even as they treat them like particularly precious toys.

 ^ I don’t know how any of you got all that bs from this comic. It’s basically being passive aggressive. Being too afraid to take a chance… reading too much into someone’s actions and making that person feel bad for not reciporating your affections. I can identify with this comic. It’s not “nice guy syndrome”  

This comic details someone making a long term plan to emotionally manipulate a “friend” into a romantic relationship. All done without ever considering the reality that they aren’t respecting their friend at all, they’re just disrespecting them in a different way. It’s passive aggressive instead of outright aggressive, but it’s still a fucked up approach that guarantees the Nice Guy won’t ever have to deal with why their attempts at relationships don’t work out. How is that not Nice Guy Syndrome?

Yes, and it involves wearing the other person down to get them to do what you want them to do.  Instead of examining your own insecurities and fear of rejection, you’re just playing with people’s emotions and lives.  You’re also objectifying them…trying to make them “comfortable” enough for you so that you’ll never be rejected.  Basically, people who use these tactics see their targets as comfy chairs, not as human beings.

The person is trying to make the person they like notably unhappy for entirely selfish reasons.

“And try to be happy. And sometimes you will be”

That’s not a good thing. But that is the aim of this, which is the problem. Anyone who feels their desire to be with someone outweighs what that person wants, who’s willing to “make [someone] depend on [you]” in the hopes that someday that person will “give in” does not respect that person.

This comic isn’t about letting a relationship grow naturally- it’s about sidling up and pretending that being “just friends” is okay because you’re too afraid to face rejection and manipulating the person until you get what you want from them.

^ Thissssssssssss